I’m not one for censorship, and so I typically don’t delete even the most insulting comments that show up here. However, there are some I universally dispose of, and I thought this latest exchange might serve to illustrate exactly why I ordinarily do not think your words are worthy enough to physically register on anybody’s screen, anywhere, under any context, forever and ever and all throughout time. Amen.

For your convenience I have also transcribed the comments here, interspersing the block of text with photoshopped pictures of squirrels. I do this because I understand you, internet. I know what you need, baby.

dickumsmack says:

YOU GUYS ARE ALL GEEKS AND DORKS FOR BEING ON THIS GO GET A LIFE

Robert says:

Well…then why did you come here, much less take all the time to comment?

See, I’ve deleted a good deal of these kinds of comments. Whether they’re “get a life,” or “gay,” or “meh;” they’re all entirely irrelevant. You go through all the trouble of reading the site, the comments, and filling out the comment form just to bash out a monosyllabic statement that says nothing and serves no purpose but to show your disapproval. Disapproval is fine; explain it. Am I a fag? That’s great, tell me why. Perhaps you should suggest how I suck cocks, where I suck cocks, why I suck cocks, and how I could further advance my cock-sucking agenda. This would be showing initiative on your part, and though obviously detrimental to me, I would leave it to stand on this site for all to see…because you put effort into it. You used your big boy words. Good job for you.

But stuff like this - this uncreative, unjustified statement that you put so much effort into posting - well, it just makes you look bad. So I delete it. Except for this time. This time, I will actively address it and explain myself and my own comment policies for your benefit and the benefit of others.

In other words: You just had the poor luck to be an example.

There’s a pop-psychology theory about homophobia, to wit: The more outspoken and belligerent a person becomes while protesting a behavior that:

A.) Does not personally affect them,

AND

B.) Must be actively sought out by the protester (i.e. it does not occur naturally in the protester’s daily life, but must be sought after and found in order to object to it,) the more likely said protester secretly engages in, wishes to engage in, or is struggling against the urge to engage in the supposedly protested behavior.

This is most often exemplified by rural or fundamentally religious populations while gay-bashing or race-bashing. In most cases, both homosexual and minority populations are entirely absent from the lives of these people that presume to hate them, and so they must be actively sought out to persecute. These people have to get up, prepare, leave their homes and towns, travel to a gay bar, a parade, or an ethnically diverse population, and then and only then can they actually protest. This is most likely a form of compensation.

To put it layman’s terms, these protesters will say “I hate queers,” because they realize they are surrounded by people that hate queers. If they were to admit they have queer thoughts, they would become victims of persecution themselves, and so they protest the most loudly and most belligerently against queers so as to bely suspicion. The guy with the I Hate Fags shirt is pretending to hate fags more than you, so that you don’t suspect he might be one himself.

I think this might hold true for you. You’ve actively sought out and read one of the “geeky” articles I’ve written (supposing that geeky, in this case, relates to in-depth opinions about games, gaming, science, or otherwise socially stigmatic subjects.) You then filled out all of the proper information and went through all of the steps involved in commenting, just for the sake of suggesting that other people - who have undergone these exact same steps that you have just taken - are “geeks” for taking these steps. I think this theory would strongly suggest that you too are a “geek,” or a “dork;” you’re just not very comfortable with it.

Either that, or you’re gay. And a racist.

Way to be a big fat gay racist dork, guy-with-dick-right-in-his-user-name.

I think you just lost. A lot. I think I just made you lose.

This is the Battlefield Extraction Assist Robot, or BEAR for short.

He’s built to carry wounded troops in inaccessible areas away to safety without further risking human life. Some pretty impressive technology is on display here, from the arms built to articulate gently - so as not to further harm wounded troops - to the gyroscopes that allow the BEAR to switch from walking to wheels to treads on the fly. Also impressive is the carefully designed “face” of the robot.

The US military put serious consideration into this design, and carefully crafted a head that would put already traumatized soldiers at ease. They made it look like a Teddy Bear. A giant steel Teddy Bear with no fur. A giant steel Teddy Bear with vacant, jet-black shark eyes and whirring, double-jointed spider legs instead of soft, comforting fur.

No, I’m being unfair here. Come on, that thing’s not so bad. The airbrushed plastic quality of the rounded body and lack of obvious gears really help to make an otherwise terrifying robot seem a little more harmless. Let’s look at another photograph, maybe something not from the promotional stills this time:

Oh. It, uh…it seems as though they’ve removed every single aspect that serves to soften the terror. Why? Maybe it’s somehow less disconcerting in person.

Ma-maybe if you see it in action…?

Jesus! That’s the exact body language and facial expression you adopt when you’ve been caught doing something you really, really shouldn’t. That, combined with the fact that it’s holding an unconscious, wounded soldier in its arms - it looks like it’s trying to decide whether to eat him or fuck him. I’m not sure which option would be worse…

Okay. It’s definitely the fucking. The fucking is worse.

THE FUCKING IS SO MUCH WORSE.

I’m assuming you’ve seen this by now.

If you haven’t, this is a stem-cell skin gun. It’s being developed by the united states Military, along with a quarter billion dollars’ worth of other medical research, which include projects like an organ and tissue printer and healing “pixie dust.” I guess fixing up shrapnel wounds with the power of imagination didn’t quite pan out for them. Anyway, the Skin-gun shoots immature skin cells onto fresh wounds, which in turn dramatically increases the healing process. And it’s about god damn time: For years, healing guns with nigh-on magical powers have been a key part of a wonderful dream. That dream? Shooting people in the face…in order to help them.

War has always been cooler than peace; guns beat medicine, breaking wins over fixing, and burning is always a better time than planting flowers. Philosophers will tell you that this is because it is easier to destroy than to create. And it is human nature to take the path of least resistance.

I call bullshit.

Destruction is a more tempting option because the results are more immediate, more visible, and more profound. You fire a rocket; a building goes away. You light a match; no more forest. You throw a punch; suddenly that snide kid at Blockbuster stops knowing more about Lord of the Rings than you. Violence is a viable solution to many, many problems. Perhaps not the best solution for others like, say, the victims of your violence, but it is quite often the best solution for you.

But that’s all over now because finally, with the skin gun, charity has become just as sexy as war. Now when a kid comes in bitching about half his face being burned off, you don’t have to spend forty hours in surgery to shut him up - you just shoot him in the face with your healing gun. Hopefully said gun has at least enough force to comically knock him over, as that is always an entertaining bonus. Benevolence and compassion suddenly sound like a blast, and all you had to do was forge them into ammunition. Everybody’s going to become a good samaritan - when that means scaling a clock-tower to fix passer-by’s acne with your high powered sniper rifle. And you’ll find a sudden overflow for Doctors Without Borders when your duties consist of carpet-bombing the holy shit out of third-world villages with your Healin’ Bombs.

Also, it appears as though the immature skin cells physically manifest themselves as an ejaculate of sticky white goo. So don’t be surprised, Med Schools, when the admission lines start to wrap around the block. There’s a pretty big demographic out there eager to forcefully shoot people in the face with their Miracle Bullet Jizz.